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Confessions Of A Dating Expert

Confessions Of A Dating Expert
MBL Editors

Dating, Dating, Dating

By Soulntuition

Lamentations of a Serial Monogamist Living as a Serial Dater… Who the hell am I to be giving anyone advice?

When I was first asked to contribute to this magazine, I was excited. I thought that I’d finally reached “expert” status. Here it stands that this editor of a popular online mag is actually coming to me for insight. This is the second time I’ve been asked for expert advice on dating.

Currently, I am a relationship expert featured on I have all these stars and kudos, and I am a preferred advisor, but to me, this request was even more special. I was asked to write a piece that could focus on various topics. It would be viewed by thousands! Not merely oneonone therapy type sessions, that really consisted of nothing but common sense advice for people who ignored all the tell tale signs that “they are just not that into you.”

With the opportunity presented to me from Beautiful Life, I could write dating advice, or give a list of dating tips on such topics as, how to spot a loser. Maybe even talk about my worst dating experiences. The topics would be easy, especially the worst dates thing, because I have a million person stories about that! I could also draw from my Wizpert list of advice seekers’ horror stories too. This would be a snap, I thought. So I set down to the laptop and got to work.

But, as I began to write, there was something else on my heart, weighing in every time my fingers hit a key. The simple fact remains that I am single. I. AM. STILL. SINGLE.

I’ve been living single for a whopping eleven years, if you take into account my separation. If you count from my actual divorce year, then I’ve been single for eight years.

So, what advice could I possibly offer to women who are looking to get that diamond ring? Hell, I’m really not sure how to get it myself. Funny isn’t it? Quite simply, I’ve become an expert and relationship advisor, yet I can’t hold a relationship longer than a year. Lately, it’s been about six weeks. (That really blows) And just to let you know, this didn’t happen overnight. It happened quite by accident, and it happened gradually. I just sort of lost my tolerance for the ups and downs I think, that relationships bring.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a relationship downer. In fact, I consider myself a romantic and in my mind I see myself with just one man, and he treats me like a queen, and we both live happily ever after, and we are always hot for each other, and, and, and… the list goes on. Most women have the same picture in their heads, right?

But how do we make that dream a reality? How do we pick ourselves up and go on to the next without the baggage; without the fear of being lied to and ultimately, disappointed yet again? How can we avoid the pitfalls and keep going? I know women who have totally given up on love. They are now content with being single forever. They may truly be happy living that life, but I don’t think humans are made to be alone. The question becomes, What works? What’s the magic formula for successful dating that turns into a relationship? Well, that’s the rub. In my opinion, there is no set way to get the ideal relationship. I should know. I think I’ve been every type of dater there is.

And so far, nothing has stuck. I’ve been the modest, “make him wait 90 days” girl, only to find out that it doesn’t matter if you make them wait a certain amount of time for sex, because if that’s all he was looking for, he’ll patiently wait for it, and then you’ll never hear from him again after he gets it.

I’ve been the “live in the moment” type of girl, and surprisingly, that’s seemed to work out, sort of. I mean, I’ve had sex on the first date, and it actually turned into a serious relationship. But most of the time, I wasn’t interested in it becoming much of anything, so there goes that.

I’ve been the “player/bitch” and that worked the best. But in all honesty, that isn’t me. I like talking on the phone every day to the guy I’m interested in. I don’t want to play games, or act like I don’t care, when I really do. I don’t want to hold back who I really am. And lastly, I don’t need to have a roster of guys drooling over the woman they simply can’t have. If you really think about it, anyone who only dates people they find unattainable isn’t someone you should date. They most likely have self esteem issues and commitment problems too.

Which leads me to the untrusting, insecure, unsure, overreacting, underreacting dater who is too afraid of being lied to or tricked, that she can’t tell a really nice guy from an asshole. (That life really sucks) I’ve also been the woman who seems so independent that she doesn’t need a man at all, and needless to say, that did NOT work. The only thing I haven’t tried was really being myself.

That’s the place I’m kind of in now. You may or may not know this, but I have gone on a lot of dates. Sometimes just once, and sometimes I made it up to ten with the same guy. I’ve tried long distance, short distance and everything in between. I’ve been on speed dating sessions, used a paid dating service, and of course have had profiles on free dating sites. None of it has yielded anything useful.

But I can’t blame the tools. I blame myself, the user. But that’s a whole other post for a different day. Back to the types of daters, and how I’ve played every part: See, I believe my experiences in nothing lasting beyond a few months or a year, is proof that there isnt a set formula to land that special someone. Because I have personally broken the “rules” and that ended in me getting a marriage proposal. It didn’t work out because I was too caught up in myself at the time. Just wasn’t ready to settle down. (the irony, I know)

When you find the right person, you’ll know, and they will know too. You can sleep together the first night, or not, and it will still work out, if he’s the one. You can break all of the so called rules, and still make a love connection. If you are right for each other. Besides, how can anyone tell you what’s right for you? I mean really? Only you can live your life. If you make a mistake, so be it, as long as you had a good time doing it, and you learned from that mistake.

Now, you can’t be desperate, or silly and expect things to work. That’s a given. I do know that much. As women, we need to express that we have a life and it will go on with or without this guy. Somehow, we need to find a balance of independence and interdependence that doesnt scare a man off. If you come off like a boss bitch that doesnt need a man, you won’t get one. If you come off like Suzie homaker that’s sweet as pie and has no backbone, you’ll be walked all over.

Right now, I’m just being me. Im sassy, independent, romantic, idealistic and a little insecure. (Arent we all?) I’m cautious about letting down my guard, but when I do, the man who wins my heart will be the luckiest man in the world. And because I know my worth, I’m no longer playing games, and pretending to be someone Im not. If I want to call a guy, I call. If he disappears, he goes “poof” and I move on. I’m working on my patience and tolerance, because that has hindered me in the past. I can be impatient. I mean, at the slightest hint of something I perceive as fishy, validated or not, I’m out! I’ve learned that this is a defense tactic, and I had to cut it out. If I continued that way, I would NEVER land a man, because I would never give anything a chance.

I have my ups and downs. I sometimes move too fast, and have to dial it down when I meet someone I connect with. And then there are times I find myself overreacting to the little things that shouldn’t matter at all. I am a work in progress. But if I could offer one bit of advice, which was the whole point of this post anyway, I would advise you to always be yourself.


Be yourself, and stop looking. That’s my advice for success in dating. That’s what I’ve learned and right now, I’m dating a really nice guy. Time will tell if he’s truly a keeper. For now, I’m just enjoying his company and getting to know him. Keep your fingers crossed for me. As I said, I’m a work in progress….

More from the real, soulful and lovely SoulNtuition Below:

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  • Donise

    I love your openess, but I think dating is passe. People will probably have to come up with a whole nother system for meeting people. I tried computer dating years ago, and unfortunately, there were few eligible men of color involved. They were letting black.guys in for free! I thought dating was socially sanctioned prostitution and pretty much went on with my life in spite of the fact that I didn’t get asked out at all. I believe that as a black woman of a certain age, I have had to contend with some divergent issues regarding sexuality. I came of age in the 60’s. I experienced “brothers” asking me out, but never showing up. For them, they got pleasure from me agreeing to go, but had no means to make it happen. In retrospect, those young black boys helped to groom me as much as anyone.I learned dissapoint about dating early on. Has anybody really ever told the truth? Does everybody date to find a mate? You have the potential for an enlightening blog here, Sha Ahn!Thanks for sharing your life. It’s beautiful!

    • Soulntuition

      Thanks for your insight Donise. I know its so tough out here. I think you’re on to something as far as dating being passe’. and all these “rules of Engagement”. When its the right fit, there is no right way to engage, because it will work. Even at your age, I believe there is someone out there for you. I guess you have to decide if you want it. But I believe youve made that decision. LOL

  • Beautiful Life

    Maybe dating as we used to know it is passe. But There needs to be some way for men and women to interact, especially in the black community as we do not have any rituals or shared social events that bring us together, like Bar Mitzvah, Quinceanera, etc. Further as men are not living in the household with women and children for the most part. There is not learned interaction between the sexes.

    • Coco

      I agree with beautiful. I date all races, but my guy now is creole, And I’m ecstatic that he’s black